My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
