I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
babies were throwing up all over the place
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
