R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
