pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
