Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
