I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Man, jail baloney is awful.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
