How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
