Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
