There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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