he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Randomize
