I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
My ass is underappreciated
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
