I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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