my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
