your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Say something about gay babies.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
