I don't usually arrange sex via text message
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
