her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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