I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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