I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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