Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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