mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
