I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Randomize
