he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
