I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
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