I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize