question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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