it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
