So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
