yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize