i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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