I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
