things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize