This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
