I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
