The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
