Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
