guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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