Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
bring money and cleavage
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
