Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
