May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
