i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
