apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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