puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
