We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
She made me pour olive oil on her.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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