best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
