You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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