My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
