we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
