God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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