theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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