He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
