He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
