If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
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