just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize