Do you still have your period?
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
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