It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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