Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
