I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
